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I have a secret…

I don’t like to talk about this, really at all. I keep it to myself and a few friends. This secret truly drags me down from day to day. I have been slowly sharing but it hasn’t been to its fullest extent.

Honestly as I am writing this now, I have no clue how much I will actually share. It all could be word vomited into this post for all to read and maybe judge. But I am ready for the backlash and the comments. I so want to be free, so here it goes.

Depression

Yes, if you have followed me you probably know that I have depression. What most of you don’t know is the absolute darkness that I have hid for years. Even most of my family has zero clue what has really happened behind closed doors. So here it goes…

Let’s rewind

I vividly remember being 15 years old and truly hating myself. Hatred for my body, my size, my emotions, my stretch marks, I hated almost everything about me. I hated myself so much I self harmed in more than one way. I cut my legs, punched my arms, screamed at myself (often) and considered often “why I am on this freaking planet.” It was a BAD time.

Then I entered into a quick and very unhealthy relationship where these feelings were only heightened. Our teenage emotions were out of control, and honestly so was I. I had almost no handle on my emotions and hid that from everyone. Most people knew that I was just a happy 17 year old with a boyfriend who I adored. Behind closed doors I physically, and emotionally abused myself, and often.

Insert VERY deep breath

At age 18 we got an apartment together, with really only furthered the out of control behavior that we both had. Fighting as one does when they move in with someone was not something either of us expected. I think we both just assumed since we “loved” one another that life would be just peachy. It was FAR from that. We fought and fought and fought.

Because we were living together I did the adult thing and decided to get on a birth control pill. This was the first time I really went “crazy” and I say that knowing how horribly messed up my brain was at the time. I lost it, like really lost it. I remember going from sobbing to screaming to pulling out my hair to throwing up all within 10 minutes. Did demons take over my body and mind? Finally I just laid in the shower sobbing wondering why I didn’t feel like me. (This would NOT be the last time I resorted to crying in the shower.)

I told my doctor about the side effects that I had a decided that medicine just was not going to be my route. What I experienced in those two weeks was just way too intense for me.

Let’s fast forward a little

Newly married at the age of 20 I worked my Mary Kay business from home. This is when I got in deep. Because I worked maybe 10 hours a week I made very poor decisions. My sleep schedule has never been as messed up as it was from age 20-24. I stayed up until 2-3am, slept until 1-2pm and then moved my body from bed to the couch where I stayed literally ALL day. Justin would arrive home from work at 6pm and I was still in the PJs I went to bed in. We would eat fast food, watch TV and go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

I had no clue how depressed I was during this time frame. Honestly I just chalked it up to I am so lazy, which just furthered the depression and self hatred. But I did everything in my power to hide how much I was sleeping and eating my feelings away.

Yup, I went there

During my surrogate pregnancy at age 24 I started to get really strange thoughts. Thoughts that I hadn’t had ever. I started to think about when I had the babies my role would be done and then I could kill myself and end my pain. Yes, I really thought that. I told Justin my plan and immediately we went to the hospital. Because I was 30 weeks pregnant I ended up in the ICU for expectant mothers. It was there that I discovered something I hid for so long.

I was deeply, deeply depressed. The nurse let me cry, told me I was normal, and that she too had depression that was heightened during pregnancy. This was the first time I ever felt accepted and normal. For literally 10 years I hid from everyone but my husband that I had deep dark thoughts. I thought that if I told anyone that they would think I was crazy and I didn’t want that.

I am not crazy

Right now I am not ready to go into the last 4 years. It is a bit much to describe and honestly I don’t think I am ready to share the darkest moments of my story yet. To be truthful I am knee deep working all of it out right now. But don’t worry I am so far from where I have been.

My journey to healing and self love has been HARD, like really hard. But I felt like the world needed to hear my story. A story of normalcy in what feels very, very abnormal. And to share hope, my journey of depression might never be over. But what I have learned is that I can’t hide it.

I am here for you!

Much love, Brandi