Blog / Mom Life / Postpartum Depression

Can I be more than a mom?

Receiving the title of “mom” was unexpectedly challenging for me. Before becoming a mom I didn’t think much of the title, nor any titles. I thought that just like the other things that I was, ie., Mary Kay girl, wife to Justin, sister to Gary and James; those titles didn’t define me but described me.

Mom, mom, mom

About a month into becoming a mom it hit me, I am mom. Because I had this baby who fully relied on me meant my needs were no longer a priority. I was exhausted, scared, nervous, but I was also excited and so happy. I didn’t know but I was just starting the beginning a life crisis that would end up being a 2-year journey to realizing who I am and what defines me.

Two under two = exhausted

I had my daughter in November of 2016, found out I was pregnant July 2017, delivered my son in March of 2018 and finally found who I was in December of 2018! What an insane couple of years. Like I didn’t really leave much room for anything but babies in those two years. I certainly didn’t have hours upon hours to devote to figuring out who the heck I was. Completely lost in mommy-hood and diapers I felt like a horrible mom for needing to find “me”. Like lady, you have one job now and it’s called your kids.

Why do we compare?

I observed many, many, many moms and all I did was JUDGE myself! I know that I am not the only one who does that. Between Facebook, women in my MOPS group, women in Mary Kay, women at Church, friends, and family I was constantly beating myself up for not being like her. If I put too much passion in my career I was not being a good mom. If I was staring at my child for 7 hours straight I was not working my career and clearly had nothing going for me in life. If I had a glass of wine I was obviously sacrificing my child’s safety. If I never had a glass of wine I was too uptight. This list is literally never ending! Am I right?!

Stop!

Yes, you. Stop looking to the left and to the right. Do what is best for you. Read that again. Do what is best for YOU and your family. For two whole stinking years I bounced from idea to idea to idea. I wasn’t happy with any of the ideas because they authentically were not mine. That spiraled me into this deep hole of I am not good enough, heck I am not even good at one thing!

I was trying on everyone else’s lifestyles and nothing I did measured up. That is when it finally clicked. BE ME!

Be me

Well I had ZERO clue who the heck I was. My confidence was in shambles on the floor because I once was a Mary Kay rock star with an amazing marriage with glorious amounts of time to sleep. Now I was a lazy-ish momma who hated cooking dinner for her family so we lived off of fast food while binge watching the latest and greatest on Netflix. #DontJudge

I had all of these people I was trying to be like. All of these people who I was trying to impress and please. I let it slip into my head that in no way could I have a successful career and be a good mother. LIE, but I didn’t see that at the time.

You can be anything

So I decided maybe I should give up my Mary Kay career that I had built for 9 years. Would that help me find myself? Quickly I got bored and so for a time frame I thought that volunteering in 4 different larger roles at church that were 3 out of 7 days of the week would help. Wrong-o. While keeping these volunteer positions I thought, well I should get a “real job” so I got one. Turns out working for someone else isn’t my cup of tea. Also that some people can be downright nasty. I digress.

What made me happy?

None of these things were the answer I was looking for. I started to piece the old me back together through reading, meditation, prayer, thought, and many lists of ideas. This all helped me see what I loved and what I didn’t love.

I am Brandi

I LOVE to make friends. My family loves me MORE when they get QUALITY time with me, not an unlimited quantity. I think it is super cool to teach people makeup and skin care. I am wild and make sometimes rash but ultimately fun decisions, so flexibility is my jam. Jesus is my rock! My purpose on this earth is to take as many people as I can to heaven with me. Dressing up makes me feel like a million bucks! Instagram brings me joy. I want everyone to be my friend and I am learning that not everyone needs to be. I love my kids more than anything on this earth and I want them to see their parents having a successful, love filled, happy marriage.

Unapologetically I am Brandi, anything that I want to be!

Now for you

If being a SAHM is your jam, DO IT WITH PRIDE! If working a rockstar career is your jam, DO IT WITH JOY! If working retail is your jam, DO IT WITH PASSION! If being a WFHM is your jam, DO IT UNAPOLOGETICALLY! If homeschooling is your jam, DO IT WITH LOVE! Whatever you do, be you. Your children do not need the perfect momma. They want you to be happy because that happiness flows over into their lives. You have just one life, so live it unapologetically and may it be filled with pride, joy, passion and love!

P.S. Turns out Mary Kay is MY DREAM career and I just celebrated 10 amazing years in San Diego with my Mary Kay besties! Off to earn that MK cruise!

•