5 Steps of Acceptance of PPD Diagnosis
Just what every new mom wants to hear from her doctor, “I think you have postpartum depression” the words came flying out of her mouth, I felt like a literal failure. Pretty sure I left the doctors office with the tattoo “you suck as a mom” right there on my forehead. Turns out that no one can usually tell if you have PPD.
My personal journey to working through my PPD
It didn’t look and feel like I thought it would. I was sad, disconnected and easily agitated. Nursing my newborn baby girl was a moment-by-moment struggle. What I wanted was distance. I wanted someone else to feed her so I could crawl into a hole and stay there for the day (or year). My sweet husband would rub my feet, my legs, my arms as I cried nursing Nora. I would repeat, “I’m so sorry your mommy is broken”. It was heartbreaking not being able to enjoy those first few months with her. Looking back I don’t really remember her first two months of life because I was so foggy.
Step 1: Accept that you have PPD
If you think you might have PPD please, please, please know that it is NOT your fault. There is NOTHING wrong with you, you are an incredible momma with a hormone imbalance. My husband would tell me “this is okay, this is normal” and if you don’t have someone in your corner to that, I am your girl! Those words “that this is normal” didn’t sink in until I was past the PPD but it did make a difference while I was in the fog.
When you are in the middle of this fog you may feel as there is no end in sight, but please momma hear me. This will get better! I absolutely 100% believe and know this.
Step 2: Tell your close support system
I was terrified to tell those around me about my depression, thinking that everyone would judge me. Truly I was shocked at how understanding and loving they were to me. The love that poured in was honestly a Godsend. I would wake up to texts saying, “just thinking of you”. That wasn’t obviously a quick fix it, however knowing I am thought about made my days a little easier. I would usually reply with my current struggle and feelings, just getting the thoughts out of my head made me clearer. Not everyone was as supportive or understanding, but those who were made such a difference.
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Those in close proximity would say “let me know if you need anything.” I took them up on it! Some people would come over and watch the baby giving me some me time (aka a shower), some brought meals, some prayed for me and some encouraged me along the way. You don’t have to scream it from the rooftops that you have PPD, unless of course you want to. But having people by your side is most important. Let them help you!
Step 3: Go see your OBGyn
Having zero knowledge about the legal responsibilities that comes with taking care of a child, I was slightly afraid that when I told my OB that I had PPD that they would immediately take my baby away. Turns out I watch too much Law & Order without actually paying attention to how law works. I was no danger to my child, just incredibly sad with a high chance of cloudy days (said in a weather anchor voice).
So I did the scary thing and told her. Turn out that my OB had also suffered from PPD with all three of her kids. Knowing that a doctor of medicine could feel the same way I did was a breath of fresh air. She put me on a low dose anxiety med since my PPD was more high anxiety and medium amounts of depression. The medication thankfully didn’t affect my breastfeed milk at all. Along with the medication, she suggested that I see a counselor that specialized in PPD. My counselor also had PPD after her kids so she knew my exact journey I was on. She validated my feelings along with giving me hope. Absolutely worth it to talk to a counselor.
Step 4: Get out of the house
Leave the house? But that involves putting on pants and leaving. No, thank you! So I knew I needed alone time but I didn’t want to leave. At first I would just go in my bedroom and shut the door. However, I could still hear. The baby would start to cry, enter guilt. I would jump up, run downstairs and ask if my husband needed me. He would assure me he is fine and to go relax. Rinse, and repeat multiple times!
Not working…
Finally we decided that this clearly wasn’t working. I was annoying him while not relaxing at all. I had to leave the house. Reluctantly getting in the car off I drove. Turning on the radio with a volume higher than 2 was so nice start to my trip. My rap jams were on so I blasted the music and drove to a mom’s favorite location. Target!!! All I did was buy a popcorn and walk the aisles. It was incredible! I didn’t need to buy anything, just needed to not hear my baby cry. Literally just what I needed. I came home refreshed and ready to be super mom once again. I did this most nights, don’t judge. Lol.
Step 5: Trust that you will feel normal again
Normal? I know right. Well a new normal. You have a newborn, sleep exhaustion, extra skin in your tummy area/whole body, no ability to hold in your pee when you cough or walk, crying is a daily ritual for both you and the baby, messy hair needs dry shampoo, and the inability to remember if you have showered recently so enter more dry shampoo. My normal started to arise around Eleanora turning 3 months old, she had a good routine and was sleeping for much longer stretches. Once I was sleeping better I felt the fog start to lift and joy was entering back into my life.
Enter Light
There is a light at the end of the tunnel. You do need some support and help; please do not go through this battle alone. Seeking professional help does not admit failure; it admits that you are a normal human in need of help. Lastly momma you are incredible, beautiful, and the perfect mom to your baby! You have got this!
